Week 19 had some surprises, but dominate clubs in MLS are starting to establish themselves. The bottom half of the table in the East is in total disarray, while the West is starting to become Los Angeles FC and then everyone else. Through mathematical formulas and polling from the top scientists in the world, the Cincinnati Soccer Talk ranking method was born. Listed below is our newest MLS rankings and if you think they are wrong, take it up with science. Derek Ciapala is on vacation this week so this is a Boston POWER RANKINGS TAKEOVER!
(Legend: (W-L-T, LW: last week’s rankings )
1. Los Angeles FC (14-2-4, LW: 1)
This is just getting silly. Remember that MLS is under a salary cap system so everyone should be on the same playing field? Enter Carlos Vela and company to blow it all down. LAFC wipes out a Houston side 3-1 after clobbering Vancouver the week before. There is no stopping the black and gold freight train this season. Teams just need to gear up and pray for the one-kill shot in single-elimination playoffs.
2. Seattle Sounders FC (10-5-5, LW: 5)
Seattle did just enough to keep Atlanta United at bay on Sunday. We still are unsure about Seattle in the long-term, but all of the other teams above them in last week’s power rankings lost and therefore deserved to be punished harshly. Doesn’t matter what the rankings think, Seattle sits second in the West and has some breathing room if speed bumps like last week’s New York City FC match occur again.
3. Philadelphia Union (10-6-6, LW: 2)
What is going on with the Union? Some rough results lately after taking the East by force. They drop 30 spots for the embarrassing loss to RSL and then gain 29 of those spots back because they are still first in the East despite earning one point in their last two. Also, everyone in the East is terrible. Seriously, go look at the scores.
4. Minnesota United FC (10-7-3, LW: 7)
Minnesota is starting to look less like a hot team and more like a legitimate contender. Dallas is the victim this week so that means five thousand cell phone videos of people singing Wonderwall were uploaded to twitter. Thanks for those Minnesota United fans, really… some of you need voice lessons.
5. FC Cincinnati – J/K
Keep scrolling down
5. New York Red Bulls (9-7-4, LW: 11)
Derek knocked the Red Bulls down last week for losing to Houston. They just won the battle for New York City, so I am moving them back up. Sure there was that whole official scandal with a throw-in, but last time I checked the standings don’t put an asterisk next to the win column. Enjoy your win NYRB fans, because I took that subway ride out to Red Bull Arena this year and you need something to do on that long ride.
6. D.C. United (8-5-8, LW: 6)
D.C. looked bad against the Revs. This club started the year as action-packed as Wayne Rooney starts an airplane flight. Since then they have stalled, but eight draws are keeping them over the opponents gunning for the No. 2 spot in the East.
7. Los Angeles Galaxy (11-8-1, LW: 4)
If you know anything about the guy that usually writes this column, you know he comes from L.A. When I saw the Galaxy sitting in fourth on here, I shook my head. The Galaxy fails his optimism and they drop 3-1 to San Jose. Reality, welcome to Zlatan. I’ll only knock them down to seventh place so maybe he won’t notice next week and leave them here.
8. San Jose Earthquakes (9-7-4, LW: 10)
Look at you go, San Jose. I wanted to put you in first this week, but my editor threatened to pull my login. Back to back wins, most recently one over the MLS grandfather clock. San Jose is not consistent, not flashy, but this was fun to watch. Knock off LAFC in August, and I’ll hack this site to put you in first for a week.
9. Atlanta United FC (9-8-3, LW: 9)
Brek Shea gets injured, Atlanta loses, all hope is lost. Then Arther Blank steps in. Atlanta stays in ninth based on past results alone and because it trades with Chicago. It shows itself willing to try and solve issues quickly. So basically you get graded on off the field effort this week. *Golf clap
10. New York City FC (7-3-8, LW: 3)
Derek likes you NYCFC, I think you are over-rated. He might be right, but I’m in charge this week and you lost because you didn’t pay attention to the ball. You are playing another New York team and you didn’t expect some kind of sly sneaky deal? Sidewalk vendors every day try to sell you questionable products, do you fall for that as well?
11. Real Salt Lake (9-9-2, LW: 15)
Real Salt Lake doesn’t have fancy high-value players, and it shows at times like last week vs San Jose. It didn’t matter in this one as it tore apart Philly 4-0 as the West runs the East into the ground and then backs up over the body.
12. Toronto FC (7-8-5, LW: 18)
Toronto proved it lacked firepower to beat LA last week. It showed it still has enough to whip up on Montreal in the East. Granted it waited till the second half, but what else do you expect from the old men on this team. Jose Altidore isn’t a spring chicken anymore. Got to give the guy a good 45 minutes to get his legs warmed up.
13. FC Dallas (8-8-5, LW: 8)
One step forward and two steps back. In all honesty, losing to Minnesota 1-0 on the road isn’t that bad. Just like putting a stadium outside of Dallas wasn’t that bad of a move at the time. FC Dallas is a better team than its record shows, but the playoff line doesn’t care and Dallas is dancing with it.
14. Houston Dynamo (8-8-3, LW: 13)
Drop a result to LAFC — expected. Houston is still better than most of the midtable teams out East so it drops one spot for losing a game that even its coach knew it would lose. Time to get back on track though, you are building what they call a losing streak.
15. Montreal Impact (9-10-3, LW: 12)
Well, not much to say here except put the ball on frame. Montreal outshot Toronto yet only could put three on target. Congrats though, still fifth in the East if that means anything.
16. Sporting Kansas City (6-7-7, LW: 20)
After getting ripped apart by LAFC last week, SKC responds and pounds Vancouver 3-0. When FC Cincinnati joined MLS everyone said, be like Sporting, build like Sporting. I guess FC Cincinnati should attach a rollercoaster to the new stadium if they want to be like SKC.
17. Portland Timbers (7-8-3, LW: 14)
Talk about the soccer gods helping a team out. Portland gets a red card in the 55th minute but still draws the match because of crazy own goal from Colorado and a penalty kick. Dial-up the prayer hotline, I’m coming in. Still, this draw comes at home and Colorado scoring for you isn’t impressive. Down the list you go.
18. New England Revolution (6-8-6, LW: 16)
The Revs draw, but how much of it was skill and how much of it was D.C.’s red card? The Bruce Arena era is going very well for New England, and two-match knockout this week would have them soaring up these rankings. Now is your chance New England, show what you have vs Vancouver and Cincinnati.
19. Orlando City (7-9-4, LW: 17)
Orlando beat Columbus at home, and I feel bad dropping it for it. Other teams are just better at this point in time, and Orlando needs to knock off someone besides a basement dweller. Its last win before this was in June against — wait for it — Columbus.
20. Colorado Rapids (5-10-5, LW: 21)
A draw at Portland is normally a good thing. I’ll still move you up a slot. That own goal was the header of the week, shame you scored it on yourself. I don’t think I laughed that hard all week, so thanks Rapids. Keep being you.
21. Vancouver Whitecaps (4-9-8, LW: 22)
You dropped the ball so bad Vancouver, Letting SKC drop three on you after giving up six to LAFC. I really wish I could drop you to the bottom of this list but alas, you’re still not as bad as these next three.
22. FC Cincinnati (5-13-2, LW: 23)
Back to Back wins? Who is this team and what have they done with my expansion Cincinnati? I’m not buying the improvement hype yet. Two matches this week Cincy. Are you playing around or are you serious? Time to put an ultimatum on this relationship.
23. Chicago Fire (5-9-7, LW: 19)
Chicago crushes Atlanta and everyone thinks this squad is good. Get back in the basement and stop playing pranks on the hearts of Chicago fans. You are a cruel mistress, Chicago Fire. Also, learn how to take a penalty kick! You missed one and had the second blocked and then were forced to convert the rebound. In all honesty, Chicago played the better match vs Cincinnati. They just can’t shoot, no big deal.
24. Columbus Crew (5-14-2, LW: 24)
Let me break this down…FC Cincinnati up until the past two weeks was record-breaking bad. It was on course to crash its ship into the rocks and then get saved by a helicopter that crashes into the same shipwreck after it takes back off. You let them catch up. Cincy wins two games, and now the Crew have pulled their ship up to the same island. They looked at the Cincy helicopter smashed ship and plowed right into the same rocks. Welcome to the bottom kids! Columbus is way better than this, I’m truly amazed at how bad they are performing.